While at work, it just so happened that my stomach started feeling a bit “uncomfortable”. I thought… poop. Anyhow, I go to the bathroom and soon realize that there is no toilet paper. I soon devise to begin the quest for the elusive paper of the toilet, elsewhere. To be brief, I finally found something that seemed like it had gone through severe usage. There was barely about 3 “butt-wipe” attempts left to it. I thought, this will do; but I had to be very efficient. So I return to the men’s bathroom triumphant, while holding the toilet paper with my right hand (the left hand was free). After carefully wiping off pee residues from the seat with enough toilet paper for a single but wipe (now I only had enough paper for 2 remaining butt wipes), and carefully laying down that peaceful white mantel (that comes in package of 250 at a time, and that is only found in “fancier” bathrooms, like those of a hotel, or an office building) that prevents your butt from touching the cold, harsh plastic seat. I finally sat down and took a moment to appreciate the solitude, the silence and tranquility of what it meant to do number 2 in an empty bathroom, without people smelling what comes out of you, and without you smelling what comes out of other people. I was truly happy. About 30 seconds had passed until someone had a similar “stomach problem” I guess, and decided to take action.
A man had walked into the now “not peaceful” bathroom which I had happily claimed previously. Let me first describe the bathroom’s layout before continuing. It is a very brief bathroom. There is a urinal to the left of the sinks. To the left of the urinal, that is, to the back of the bathroom, there are two of those private toilets; for the more shy ones. One of these pooping cubicles is what you would call “middle class” private, while the other is “upper class”. The latter, being much bigger than the formed and with an unnecessarily more informative view of its vicinity.
Ok, let’s continue. As the unaware intruder carefully laid out his seat in order to perform his business, I noticed that I recognized his shoes; since they’re very unique. It was the Chinese man next to my work cubicle. Asian people, especially Chinese always have the most unique shoes. Anyhow, I guess I am kind of self-conscious about doing number 2 when I can clearly see other people, but for some reason, I could not relax my intestines as well as I had anticipated, in the presence of this new visitor. After a couple of frustrated attempts, I decided to just let him finish, and continue onward once he was done. Quite logically, I could not just sit there for the sake of sitting there. It would have seemed suspicious; like one of those James Bond movies, that the guy is waiting quietly on the other bathroom cubicle, for you to drop down your pants, and then make his move and kill you from behind while you are trying very hard to loose a quick half pound. I had to find something inconspicuous to do as he finished.
After 10 minutes of playing with the flushing handle that makes the “whooooshhhhhhh” sound, I decided that this challenge was greater than I had anticipated. The man was simply sitting there unaware and happy. I could not tell if he was succeeding in this progress or not, since I could not hear any “bloop” sound. Either, he must have had light liquidy food the night before, or a very constricted colon. In a moment of anger, and frustration, I decided to go back to my cubicle and re-attempt the entire procedure later, once the Chinese man had finished with his enduring ritual.
As I sat down in my chair and debated whether I should write about my experience or not, my stomach made it very difficult to concentrate. 30 more minutes had passed, so I decided that “he” had already had 45 minutes to accomplish his task; I mean, how much longer could it possibly take him?! So I ventured again to the bathroom, still, holding on to the paper remnants that I had scavenged in my previous trip. I went quietly this time, slowly opened the door, and took a peek. What I saw next was unbelievable, inconceivable, out of the realms of imagination. The Chinese man was still there, unfinished. I returned to my cubicle once again, defeated and
The last drop had spilled the glass! The last drop of poop, filling a glass full of shit. It was enough! By the fifth time I decided that I didn't care anymore if another man would smell my poop, or if I would have to smell the poop of another man. My destiny was laid clear before me. I took solemn steps onto the bathroom. Slowly, but surely, I opened the door, self assured. The Chinese man was still there, obviously, I was not surprised. I felt sorry for him, for a moment. I thought of all the troubles this man had had in his life that made him poop ever so slowly. I walked into the other private cubicle and closed the door behind me, carefully trying not to rub my legs against the pee-sprayed surroundings, as I pirouetted my way through onto the toilet. I unbuttoned my pants, hid my ID, and sat down. I managed, very uncomfortably to gain strength and summon the desire to eject the inner poop. After a couple of agonizing minutes, I heard what seemed to be the sound of flushing coming from somewhere near. This could not be, I thought to myself. The Chinese man was finished!!?, and he was on his way to wiping his butt!!? He was done in less than 5 seconds, and quietly left, taking with him my sanity and sense of reason. After I had gathered my strengths, lost all fear, and convinced my vowels to relax in front of people, he just left. Quickly afterwards, and after all that trouble and commotion, defeated and unpleasant, but with a sense of accomplishment, I went number 2... and a half. Sadly, I could not prove to the Chinese man that I could poop in front of him. Nevertheless, I was now at his same level. We were now equal in a battle of character. We were both level 20, self-accomplished, confident poopers.
So, as I write these anecdotes, I realize that life is like that Chinese man, putting obstacles in our way, not to prevent us from pooping, but to make us find the strength within ourselves to poop. Once we gather the force, and the will, and we lose the fear in things, the obstacles just seem to disappear by themselves; leaving us with a slight bitter taste in the mouth, but with a slowly emerging sense of accomplishment. I realize now that I went out of my way, making my own life so much more difficult than necessary, only to avoid confronting a very simple situation. So next time you are in a bathroom, and there is a Chinese man taking a dump next to you, don’t avoid it and just poop.
^_^
